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W. C. Fields Quotes

May you find comfort and joy in these encouraging quotes by W. C. Fields.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
- W. C. Fields

Related topics: Funny Cynical

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
- W. C. Fields

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
- W. C. Fields

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
- W. C. Fields

 

Reminds me of my safari in Africa.
Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days
we had to live on nothing but food and water.
- W. C. Fields

I am free of all prejudices.
I hate every one equally.
- W. C. Fields

Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.
- W. C. Fields

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- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

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Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for
days on nothing but food and water.
- W. C. Fields

Set up another case bartender!
The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.
- W. C. Fields

I'm free of all prejudices.
I hate everyone equally.
- W. C. Fields

All the men in my family were bearded,
and most of the women.
- W. C. Fields

I must have a drink of breakfast.
- W. C. Fields

I am free of prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
- W. C. Fields

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
- W. C. Fields

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
- W. C. Fields

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake,
which I also keep handy.
- W. C. Fields

No doubt exists that all women are crazy;
it's only a question of degree.
- W. C. Fields

The world is getting to be such a dangerous place,
a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
- W. C. Fields

Never give a sucker an even break.
- W. C. Fields

Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.
- W. C. Fields

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
- W. C. Fields

It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.
- W. C. Fields

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite
and furthermore always carry a small snake.
- W. C. Fields

Children should neither be seen or heard from -
ever again.
- W. C. Fields

I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake,
which I also keep handy.
- W. C. Fields

I like children - fried.
- W. C. Fields

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
- W. C. Fields

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.
- W. C. Fields

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance,
baffle them with bull.
- W. C. Fields

Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.
- W. C. Fields

I never vote for anyone.
I always vote against.
- W. C. Fields

On the whole, I'd rather be in Philidelphia.
- W. C. Fields

When we have lost everything, including hope,
life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.
- W. C. Fields

I never met a kid I liked.
- W. C. Fields

I never worry about being driven to drink;
I just worry about being driven home.
- W. C. Fields

It was a woman who drove me to drink,
and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.
- W. C. Fields

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must
take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
- W. C. Fields

Marry an outdoors woman.
Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night,
she can still survive.
- W. C. Fields

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream,
but it takes a live one to swim upstream.
- W. C. Fields

If at first you don't succeed,
try, try, and try again.
Then give up.
There's no use being a damned fool about it.
- W. C. Fields

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse,
but there's nothing exactly like it.
- W. C. Fields

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll
expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
- W. C. Fields

Here lies W. C. Fields.
I would rather be living in Philadelphia.
- W. C. Fields

Women are like elephants.
I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.
- W. C. Fields

If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.
- W. C. Fields

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking;
it's easy.
I've done it a thousand times.
- W. C. Fields

Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.
- W. C. Fields

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
- W. C. Fields

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
- W. C. Fields

I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.
- W. C. Fields

Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband.
Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.
- W. C. Fields

I am an expert of electricity.
My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
- W. C. Fields

There are only two real ways to get ahead today -
sell liquor or drink it.
- W. C. Fields

Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.
- W. C. Fields

The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down
rat holes with baited breath.
- W. C. Fields

I drink therefore I am.
- W. C. Fields

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes
so they would turn over by themselves.
- W. C. Fields

I once spent a year in Philadelphia,
I think it was on a Sunday.
- W. C. Fields

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house.
There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
- W. C. Fields

I never drink water.
I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.
- W. C. Fields

Smile first thing in the morning. Get it over with.
- W. C. Fields

Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
- W. C. Fields

Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death,
where is thy sting?
- W. C. Fields

Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life -
except drink.
- W. C. Fields

If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind.
- W. C. Fields

You may call God love, you may call God goodness.
But the best name for God is compassion.
- Meister Eckhart

It is the friends you can call up at 4 A.M. that matter.
- Marlene Dietrich

Call a plant beautiful, and it becomes a flower.
Call it ugly, and it becomes a weed.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

I can see, and that is why I can be happy,
in what you call the dark, but which to me is golden.
I can see a God-made world, not a manmade world.
- Helen Keller

I am the call.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Lord, grant comfort, joy and health
to those I call friend,
to those I call enemy,
and to those I have cursed by my indifference.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie


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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

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